♡ Mia's pov ♡ Why? That was the question that kept swirling in my head over and over. The answer never came to me though, and I was sure it never will. I will never know why this had happened. Or why it had to. I would never know. My throat felt impossibly sore when I was done screaming. But I knew the reason I stopped was because I had no more voice left to scream. I had no more energy to even cry. No more tears to soak the pillow under my head. I felt cold, dead even. I didn't feel like myself anymore. And I feared that.....no one would be able to save me from the darkness that has chosen to swallow me whole. And maybe....I didn't want anyone to. I'm aware of the door reopening again, but I'm too lost in my sorrow to even turn around and see who has entered. It's only when I hear the warmth of my mom's voice I know it's her. "Mia baby," She started her voice cracking in grief. The sound made my heart throb. "Twizzler...." Dad started and I clenched my eyes tightly, my heart shattering knowing that I had no will to answer, no voice to mutter. I had nothing. I feel mom's warm touch on my arm as she gently turns me around to face her and dad. And I couldn't hold it in anymore. I let out the tears I thought I had run out of. Mom's eyes sadden even more and she quickly wraps her arms around me as much as she can given that I was still rested on the bed. "Shhh baby. You'll be okay, I promise you'll be okay. You have to be strong Mia, for us for Kade, for yourself." She whispered, her fingers coming to gently pass through my hair soothingly. She was trying to ease my grief, to tell me lies she knew were not possible. I wouldn't be okay. I wouldn't.I was broken. Completely shattered. I would not be okay. I shook my head to deny her words because I simply could not speak. But she held me tighter, whispering in my ears with more force and determination to get it through to me. Until I almost believed it. Almost. "We're so sorry this happened to you Mia. Losing a baby- "You don't know how it feels." I found my voice but it's broken, just like my soul. I couldn't even recognize it honestly. Mom grows cold, stiffening her gentle actions. "Because it never happened to you. You don't know how it feels to lose a part of you and a part of someone you love." I shouldn't have said that, I know I shouldn't. But I couldn't take them back. And I couldn't bring myself to apologize to her. She deserved an apology. That I knew too. So why can't I mumble it? Why can't I say it to her? Had I truly lost myself? "Mia," Dad's voice is now more stern, what you'd expect from a father who was about to scowl your attitude. But before he could do so, mom's gentle voice soothed through. "You're right. I don't know how it feels to lose a pregnancy. But I know how it feels to grieve. I lost a friend a long time ago. A friend that dreamed of having a baby of her own one day. But her dream never came to life. Gertrude was like a second mother to me. She was the one who actually inspired me with the name Mia." Mom moves away from me until she's hovering over me where I can see the pain in her eyes, yet see the warmth of a mother's love. Her lips curled into a soft smile and her eyes had that far away look that told me she was in her head, away from reality. "She would've named her baby that beautiful name. And something tells me she wouldn't have cared if the baby turned out to be a boy. " Mom lets out a soft giggle and shook her head. "Can you imagine if she had ended up having a boy? Poor little fellow had to endure having the name Mia."But then the smile wobbled and lowed into a thin line and she lets out a heavy sigh. "What I'm trying to say, Mia. Is that, things happen. Sometimes you plan your future or sometimes you don't. But with those two scenarios, you'll still end up not knowing the outcome of them both. Because future changes, life changes and things happen for a reason. And sometimes you just have to move on- My eyes narrowed and acid of angry words came spitting out of my mouth." You're telling me to move on!? How can I move on when every time I close my eyes I can see myself holding a baby? How can I move on when my own mind won't let me!? I can't just sweep things on the side like you can!" I didn't mean those words or the anger or the way I wrenched away from her. I knew she knew I didn't mean them. But I also knew I hurt her. But I couldn't say sorry. Fucked up, I know. I just couldn't say sorry. I looked away from her and dad, not wanting to see the disappointment in their gaze. Their sympathy and pain were enough to endure, I couldn't feel anymore. My voice lowered and I licked my dry lips. "I don't want to see anyone right now. I just want to be alone for a few minutes." I whispered. I was discharged, I know that. But right now, I couldn't find it in me to even stand far less walk. I'd probably need to be wheelchaired out or dragged out. It's silent for a couple of seconds that feel like a minute or two. But finally, mom whispered. "I brought a change of clothes for you. It will be here when you're ready to change into them." I can hear her pat something but I don't look at what she patted. I presume it's where she will put the clothes. "Your dad and I will be out waiting for you- "Just go mom. Please. I don't want to say anything else that will hurt you. Please." I practically begged knowing that I wasn't really me anymore. And this me now didn't care about what I chose to say. I didn't want to see the hurt in her eyes any longer by my impulsive words. I turn around completely so that they could not see the tears rolling down my cheeks. And when I hear the soft click of the door closing behind them, I buried my face back into the pillow and let it soak up my tears. I thought they would have listened to me and taken heed of my request for privacy for a few minutes. But the sound of the door opening again had me stiffening. Because this presence, it was not my parents. The presence I knew all too well, I always knew when he was in the same room with me.It was like my soul just always knew. My fingers felt stiff as if it was frozen, but the room was not cold. And my heart, the organ was rushing in my chest like it was running a marathon. I didn't want him to see me like this yet. Not yet. Not yet. And then when I felt I couldn't possibly stiffen more, he touch my arm, softly. I'm aware of how they trembled when they touched my skin and I'm aware of his gaze on my back, the little he can see. "Mia," His voice cracked and the pain I felt swirling in his voice had me wailing. I could not face him. I couldn't bear to see his face. So I don't turn around. And tried to pretend that he wasn't here, that he wasn't touching me. But I was a fool. I could never not acknowledge Kade's presence. It was always impossible to. Not when he had already branded himself into my soul. And now knowing that I did have a piece of him inside me that I lost, had my heart shattering. It felt like I failed him somehow. Like I failed myself. He turns me around just like my mother had done, but I refuse to open my eyes and see his face. But I could feel his warm breath and I knew he was close. "I'm so sorry baby," His voice felt so raw, so deep with anger and pain. "I'm so sorry that I hadn't been careful. That I made you go through this all alone. I'm so sorry that I couldn't save our baby. I'm so sorry that I failed you." His words had me sobbing and then his warm fingers tangle in my hair. "Open your eyes baby." And just like that, his command had me opening my eyes. And when I do, our eyes connected. His were red and visibly sending out tears and I was sure mine was exactly the same. "I'm going to be by your side every step of the way Mia. I'm not going anywhere and I promise we both will get through this. I promise that you'll get better." I wanted to tell him that promises could always break and getting better sometimes never happens. Sometimes people don't heal and sometimes people aren't meant to heal. And perhaps I was one of them that wasn't supposed to heal from the loss. But instead of voicing out my thoughts, I only turned away from him. I couldn't find it in me to watch his face any longer, the pain of losing a part of him still so fresh and raw.