Chapter 115 I Need To See My Mother “Cancer?” The word echoed like a stone dropped into a deep well. My chest squeezed, my ears rang. This couldn’t be real. It didn’t sound real. It didn’t even sound like English. It was like Dean had spoken in another language, one my brain refused to translate despite being fluent in it. I felt as if I’d been dunked underwater. Everything slowed, muffled, blurred. His lips were moving, but all I could hear was that one word bouncing around my skull. Cancer. No. Not her. Not my mother. “She can’t—” My throat closed. I shook my head violently, as though shaking could undo his words. “No. You’re wrong. That’s not—” Dean’s eyes dropped. The heaviness in his face was worse than his words. “Unfortunately, yes.” His voice cracked with something I didn’t want to name. “When the news about Chloe’s abandoned car came out, she collapsed. They rushed her to the hospital. That’s when they found out. Leukaemia.” Leukaemia. The sound of it made me nauseous. My stomach knotted until I thought I’d be sick right there. I didn’t realize I was crying until hot wetness blurred my vision. The tears just came, burning, unstoppable. The kind that made your chest ache and your nose clog. Everything started making sense in a cruel, horrible way. Her tiredness. The way she moved slower. The shadows under her eyes. The heaviness she carried that I thought was disappointment in me. “Oh my God.” My hand slapped over my mouth before the scream could come out. My chest heaved. “Oh my God, I’m such a terrible person.” Dean reached for me instantly, pulling me against him, his arms strong and steady when I felt like I was crumbling into pieces. His shirt soaked up my tears, his palm rubbed circles on my arm. “Sav…” Dean’s voice cracked as he reached for me. “You don’t have to go through this alone.” But his calmness only made me break harder. “You don’t understand. How am I supposed to face her now? I wasn’t there. I pushed her away. I—I hated her sometimes. I—” The words dissolved into choking sobs. “Don’t blame yourself,” Dean murmured into my hair. “You didn’t know.” That only made it worse. I shoved out of his arms, the air between us turned sharp. “That’s the problem, Dean! I should have known! She’s my mother. A good daughter would have seen through the act.” My voice cracked, ugly, desperate. “But me? I was too busy being angry, being selfish—” “Savannah.” He caught my wrist, firm but gentle. “No one is blaming you. Not her, not them. You can’t carry this alone. It’s not your fault.” But the words slid off me like water. The guilt had already carved itself into my bones. I pressed both hands to my head, rocking forward as sobs shook me. Every ignored call. Every eye-roll. Every nonchalance. They replayed in my mind like a punishment reel. And now? Now I was paying the price. “My mum’s going to die, isn’t she?” My voice was small, broken, but the silence that followed was louder than any answer. Dean’s jaw clenched. His gaze slid away, and the refusal to meet my eyes was all the confirmation I needed. A sob tore out of me so raw it felt like it scraped my lungs. “Oh, God.” My stomach lurched, bile clawing its way up my throat. I stumbled back, covering my mouth. Dean didn’t touch me this time. Maybe he knew I would lash out at him if he did. When he finally spoke, his voice was low, almost reverent. “She wants to see you, Savannah.” My heart stopped. Dean reached into his jacket and pulled out a folded envelope, pressing it into my shaking hands. “She gave me this. She said… if you’d read it, maybe you’d come.” His voice cracked. “She hopes she can see you one more time before—” He couldn’t finish. The silence finished it for him. Before she dies… My hands trembled so hard I nearly dropped the envelope. My pulse pounded in my ears. I stared at it like it was a bomb. Maybe it was. My whole life packed into folded paper. Questions flooded me, suffocating me on the spot. How long had she known? Was this why she looked so exhausted at the door after Emily came back? Had my chaos, my mistakes, my endless storms… dragged her down faster? Was I slowly killing my own mother without realizing it? I pressed the envelope to my chest. I wasn’t ready. But not being ready didn’t stop my fingers from breaking the seal. Her handwriting met me first. Elegant, careful strokes I’d seen a thousand times on grocery lists and birthday cards. My throat closed as I read. --- My Darling, Savannah… How do I begin to apologize for being the worst mother to you? I have no words to defend my actions and the decisions I’ve made over the years. I just ask that you find a place in your heart and forgive me. Maybe when I’m finally gone… Thirty years ago, I made a mistake I will never regret. Because that mistake gave me you. So I suppose it wasn’t truly a mistake at all. I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again. I know I don't deserve to. That’s why I must tell you this. Julius isn’t your father. I broke my vows to my husband, and you were the result of my betrayal. I love you—God knows I do, my sweet girl—but I wronged Julius. And for that, I spent the rest of my life trying to make it up to him, hoping he'd forgive me for hurting him in the worst way possible. When I die, the guilt of my betrayal will finally die with me. There is only so much I can confess here, Savannah. If it’s not too much, I would love to see you one last time. Just before I go. But I will understand if you never want to lay eyes on me again. With love, always, Your mother. --- By the end, I wasn’t just crying. I was wailing. My chest convulsed with sobs so fierce I thought I’d choke. My hands crushed the letter to my heart like I could push it back inside her, undo it all, make it vanish. Go back in time. Everything shattered. My entire life. My family. My identity. Dad wasn’t even my father. All those years of trying to live up to his impossible expectations, all those punishments, all those fleeting moments when I craved his love and attention—it wasn’t even real. It was never mine to have.The floor tilted beneath me. I sank down, curling into myself, the letter still in my grip. I wanted to scream at her. How could she do this? How could she keep this secret all my life? How could she let me live a lie? And yet… I wanted to cling to her. To hold her hand in that hospital bed and beg her not to leave me. Because for all her flaws, all her distance, she was my mother. My only mother. Dean crouched in front of me slowly, like I was fragile glass. “Savannah?” His voice was quiet, hesitant, as though he was afraid of breaking me further. I wiped my swollen face with shaky hands, trying to breathe through the sobs. My voice came out hoarse, scraped raw. “You’ll take me back to New Hope tomorrow.” I forced myself to look him dead in the eye, even through the blur of tears. “I need to see my mother.” And for the first time in a long time, there was no hesitation in my voice. Only resolve. Because no matter how broken, how betrayed, how angry I was—if I didn’t go now, I’d regret it forever.